Practic Patience.

     I don't think I'm a very patient person.  I bought some cilantro, basil, and wheat grass seeds and planted them about three days ago.  Since then, I have stared at dirt for a collective five hours...approximately.  I have watered them more times than I can count and dumped a highly concentrated dose of Merical  Grow into one of the pots.  I heard shit was full of vital nutrients for plants and even tossed around the idea of crapping in our house plants, I want these seeds to grow as badly as a mother wants her children to grow.  After spending ten minutes today breathing on dirt to circulate carbon dioxide and wondering why my seeds haven't reached maturity in almost four days, I noticed that my impatience had probably murdered my plants before they even had a chance to become plants. 
     I can't help but see a pattern with my impatience bringing on bad ju ju.  Last night, or example, was best friends night.  Rachel wanted Chinese food, Jen didn't care, and I was starving.  I didn't want to wait for take out, so we went to a Chinese buffet instead.  The buffet had everything from Orange chicken to tater tots, and I swear to god I blacked out once I saw the cheese sticks.  I am still shitting egg rolls and will most likely continue to do so for the next few days.  Should I have been patient and ordered take out?  Maybe.  Was a Chinese buffet with cheese sticks and a taco stand a bad choice?  Perhaps.  Do I regret it?  Yes.  Best friend nights almost always includes eating way to much garbage and fighting for the bathroom.  I have even, on occasion, been known to shit my pants on best friend nights.  Eating what is essentially deep fried laxatives is one of our favorite past times for a few reasons but mostly because we are lazy and can't fathom waiting for a dinner that takes more that 30 seconds to order, pick up and eat. 
     Naturally you may be wondering, "Ryan, how do you manage to stay so skinny when you eat like that?"  To which I would respond, impatience.  I don't have the patience to go to the gym, devote time everyday to elevate my heart rate and wait for results to happen.  I just ration my food.  I've created a way of eating that is scientifically formulated to imitate anorexia except with the binging qualities of bulimia minus the purging aspect.  Basically you eat enough to keep your metabolism from shutting down and enough to give you a full feeling via nuts, fruits, vegetables.   Then, about once or twice a week after eating small amounts of foods with high nutritional density, I go absolutely psychotic and terrorize a buffet or maybe even an entire chicken. 
     My impatience allows me to create shortcuts like these on an almost daily basis.  Unfortunately, my low body weight is really the only positive thing I can see coming from my mastered craft because mostly my impatience allows me to be incredibly lazy in addition to fucking things up.  Take for instance, every relationship I've ever had, not excluding my relationship with Justin.  I can't even begin to relay the cosmic number of men I have chased away in the matter of weeks, days, and more often than not, hours. I tend to get bored with the, 'getting to know each-other' part, which I don't think I'm alone either considering half the gay population practically walks around with a bottle of lube smuggled in their taint (just in case), but at the same time I want to know everything about a potential mate. 
     To shorten the time it takes to get to know someone and for someone to get to know me, which can sometimes take months, I do this thing where I condense everything about me into about a two hour horrific verbal machine gun.  "Hi I'm Ryan, I was addicted to NyQuil for a while, which I think is why my ex, Aaron, who I lived with left me, or it was because I'm crazy but I don't think I'm crazy.  How big is your penis cuz this isn't going to work if your hung like a wasp, actually it doesn't matter, but most of the guys I've been with have huge penises.  What was your childhood like? When did you come out, I came out when I was 17.  Do you cheat in relationships, because I don't and I would stab someone if they cheated on me, just ask Jake Truffle.  You don't have HIV do you?" 
     My goal isn't to frighten them off with an overabundance of information and expectations, I just want to get everything out of the way so that we can start having sex and start going to family reunions together.  As I get older this manic need to hurry that type of thing has subsided slightly.  I was turning my job application in at the sex shop when I met Justin.  The first story he told me while he reviewed my application was the time he threw a boulder through his ex's car windshield, which was quickly followed by me telling the story of the time I faked my own death in the bath tub to get Aaron back for not coming home the night before.  I don't know if we were impatient in the way that I am impatient, or if we just are two people who don't have walls, social tact, or reservations about ourselves.  That night Justin moved into my house, and two years later he is still by my side.   We had trouble at times, him because he wouldn't let me love him, and me because I was telling him I loved him after a week. We both held each-other underwater, smothering one another, but somehow we didn't drown.  We just stayed stagnant for a while before growing.

Hopefully my plants will follow suit.