The moon sure has taken a pounding said the pesimest.

          I have spent a good portion of my life telling self loathers that they are wonderful people.  I thought my words would help them. I didn't understand that some people hate themselves because they are not wonderful people; that at their core they know they are ugly.  Then there are self loathers who know they are beautiful at their core but lack the inner voice to fight off other people's cruelty.  I was, for a long time the second type.
           What I now understand it that loving yourself is hard, taking the time to see your faults or the ugliness that is buried beneath a kind and submissive demeanor is excruciating, and forgiving them is blinding.  People have asked me why California has been hard, how I can be so heavy in the lightest city in the world.  What I do not tell these people, my family, friends or old loves; is that it has been hard because it was in California that I began to take the time to love myself, and for some reason it has been the most painful process I have ever endured.  Now that the pain of it is clearing, I cannot bare to tell someone who hates themselves to not. Or to tell them it will get better, if they themselves believe that it will not.
           I cannot take it upon myself to heal anyone's heart or to believe I even posses that power; for it is the very notion of that power that has destroyed me time and time again and is another thing I spent a large portion of my life doing.  Believing I had the power to heal another person's suffering by giving them my heart, giving them every molecule of love I had in hopes that it would make them right.  Right for me, right for themselves, or just right enough to wake up.  I have no power. Even if I did, I can't.  I can't because self love is strong, it is the invisible atmosphere of our body, keeping our oxygen circulating, our gravity centered, and the UV rays of sadness out.  I can't because while I am astounded at it's ability and of it's strength, I know that negative people can pass through my atmosphere if I do not protect it.  That if I let certain people in they will gain enough momentum and obliterate the new and fragile foundation of my self love.

          The difference between the frailty of self love and the momentum of self loathing is the unseen layer of which they both pass through, the atmosphere that pulls in neggitivity and burns it up before it reaches the earth of your soul vs. the astroid of hate that is to big to disentigrate; leaving in its wake a crater and a shock wave of fire.